Sunday, November 19, 2006

Oma Style

I think I may have to move. I was snoring in church. And I don't know how loud! Dee had to leave early to come home and check on our turkey. It's like his little pet, even though it's already dead. He has had so much fun since he picked her up yesterday, bathing her in salt brine, stuffing her with apples and onions, putting butter under her skin. He got up a couple of times during the night just to check on her! Anyway, he had to come home in case she needed something before she starts fake tanning in the oven, and I was sitting alone, in the middle of our bench.

During the sacrament I reverently closed my eyes and was abruptly awakened by a stranger holding the bread tray next to me. I could barely keep from laying right down on the cushions (we have cushions at the JSMB) until the sacrament was over. Then I closed my eyes. Suddenly I was falling! I jerked awake before I hit the bench in front of me, and realized the 2nd speaker was almost finished! I had slept soundly through the first speaker, and the choir number! I covered my quick snort and jerk with a cough, but then I noticed the 2nd counselor on the stand watching me, and laughing (hopefully at a joke I'd slept through). The worst part of it is, I often fall asleep, sitting up when I'm watching TV at night, yet I think I'm still awake, and Dee will suddenly say "Dear! You're snoring!" I can't even hear myself...it's like I go into a strange little elderly woman trance. So there is good reason to suspect I was making horrible sounds in church for 40 minutes or longer. There are no kids to cover up the silence. We do have a few oxygen tanks making a gentle hiss every few seconds in counterpoint to each other, and once in a while a coughing spasm will remind us we're in a room full of people, but I have no idea if I was lucky enough to be outclassed by that.

As I was walking home I thought of the high-heeled boots that I stylishly wore to make myself look cool. I saw the chandelier earrings swinging saucily in my shadow and noticed that the brisk fall temperature had allowed me to keep my well cut jacket on throughout the meetings without bringing a sweat to my brow. This could have been the day that I achieved my own personal style....except I snored all through church!

5 comments:

whit said...

Marty..This really made me laugh, such a great story teller. You of the Bagley children are not alone in the sleeping/snoring while sitting up watching tv. She may hate me for even mentioning her name, but just go ask Jolyn and actually my mom. Its in the genes

marta said...

mom,
this is so classic. you make me laugh!

mama jo said...

ok whit, you're dead! after all we've done for you as a mother and aunts....i guess we all take after dad, so watch out, because as you say...it's all in the genes....anyway, back to you marty...i laughed so hard at your blog...we actually have a lady who falls asleep in church and you can't wake her up...she snores also...i don't see why you aren't published in a real book. i would read it...

Miggs said...

Oma,

Just say you were praying if anyone asks. It reminds me of when "I was on the stand". When people would say something embarrasing, blasphemous or inappropriate, I would look directly into the spotlights that were pointed towards the pulpit until my eyes would water. Candice would sometimes notice and ask if I was "touched" or "annoyed". I think this may have caused permanent damage to my corneas.

Ink said...

Marty, I am picturing all of this and thinking of the good times in the 18th ward. You are so funny.