I think I have Old Crone's Disease.
Little people are pointing out my symptoms.
- I told my granddaughters that they could tell me anything and I wouldn't stop loving them. "Oma, you're fat." (Oh, except that.)
- Babies are very convenient because you can blame any odd smells on them. But what happens when there are just two of you? "Oma, was that you?"
- "I wasn't asleep," I explained. "I just had my eyes closed." Wrong. "Oma, you were snoring so loud we heard it downstairs."
- "Oma, do you shave?" she said as she touched my chin. "No!" I said haughtily. "Maybe you should," she said.
Cybil Shepherd talked about the first time she realized men were looking at her daughters and not at her. It freaked her out. Linda Evans said she had her midlife crisis at 28, when her husband fell in love with a 15-year-old beauty and she was suddenly cast aside as too old.
I can't remember which guest said she had a revelation on the golf course recently: a young guy came up to her from behind and said, "Hey, baby . . ." When she turned around he said, "Oh, sorry Ma'am. I thought you were my age." It dawned on her that having a figure like a sixteen-year-old girl didn't fool anybody. She was 58 and she needed to have something more than her looks to fall back on.
About the time my eye-teeth grew in as fangs and my mom pointed out that I'd inherited her bow-legs I decided I needed something more than my looks to fall back on. Various crises came and went long before midlife, so psychologically I can handle being a 61-year-old grandmother. In fact, getting old has actually taken off a lot of pressure. But there's still some scary stuff.
- Hot flashes. How can you keep your cool when sweat is dripping off your ears?
- Bodily malfunctions. What do you say when you're in an elevator and it's obvious it was you?
- Hormonal changes. Do you join the church choir as a bass after your alto has gone south?