Thursday, September 30, 2010

Old Crone

Can we talk?
I think I have Old Crone's Disease.

Little people are pointing out my symptoms.
  1. I told my granddaughters that they could tell me anything and I wouldn't stop loving them. "Oma, you're fat." (Oh, except that.)
  2. Babies are very convenient because you can blame any odd smells on them. But what happens when there are just two of you? "Oma, was that you?"
  3. "I wasn't asleep," I explained. "I just had my eyes closed." Wrong. "Oma, you were snoring so loud we heard it downstairs."
  4. "Oma, do you shave?" she said as she touched my chin. "No!" I said haughtily. "Maybe you should," she said.
Women's rights have come a long way, but we still don't have the right to age. Halloween is the only time anyone pretends to be an old crone—the rest of the year it's just not trendy. Did you watch Oprah today? Her guests were aging beauties discussing their croniness.

Cybil Shepherd talked about the first time she realized men were looking at her daughters and not at her. It freaked her out. Linda Evans said she had her midlife crisis at 28, when her husband fell in love with a 15-year-old beauty and she was suddenly cast aside as too old.

I can't remember which guest said she had a revelation on the golf course recently: a young guy came up to her from behind and said, "Hey, baby . . ." When she turned around he said, "Oh, sorry Ma'am. I thought you were my age." It dawned on her that having a figure like a sixteen-year-old girl didn't fool anybody. She was 58 and she needed to have something more than her looks to fall back on.

About the time my eye-teeth grew in as fangs and my mom pointed out that I'd inherited her bow-legs I decided I needed something more than my looks to fall back on. Various crises came and went long before midlife, so psychologically I can handle being a 61-year-old grandmother. In fact, getting old has actually taken off a lot of pressure. But there's still some scary stuff.
  1. Hot flashes. How can you keep your cool when sweat is dripping off your ears?
  2. Bodily malfunctions. What do you say when you're in an elevator and it's obvious it was you?
  3. Hormonal changes. Do you join the church choir as a bass after your alto has gone south?
Are you scared yet, or are you still in denial?

Age: It's coming for you, too.
Scary stuff.


*Do you know a classy old crone?
What are her secrets?


12 comments:

Amanda said...

I'm only 25 and in the past year I've began to really notice that I'm aging:

1) White hairs atop my head
2) My joints hurt randomly
3) First fine wrinkle on my forehead
4) Get tired more easily
5) I scrapped my knee and is still healing 4 months later
6) This random weight has appeared and won't go away

It is indeed very stressful to be getting older!

kenju said...

I know all about everything you mentioned and I still say that it is better than the alternative - being dead.

Diane said...

I have decided to embrace the new me (the aging one, that is), and look at it as my road map of life, in living color, so to speak. It can show people where I've been, and where I still hope to go.

Most days it works. Some days it doesn't.

Nina said...

I am patiently waiting for hot flashes -- even though they should have crashed upon my aging body years ago. It would be nice to have heat in my body instead of icebergs in my veins.

Regardless, I am DEFINITELY an old crone!

The Grandmother Here said...

Being old and tubby I have become invisible. I am not noticed on the street or in the airport. Maybe this is the time of life to become a pickpocket.

Misty said...

Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. ~Samuel Ullman

Raejean said...

I sometimes struggle with the "in between" stages of life. I'm not exactly young anymore, but I'm probably at the mid-point in life. I still have a way to go to be a spunky grandma type or the cute little old lady. I have trouble preparing for the road between where I'm at and where I'm going.

I enjoyed this post so much, I shared it on my Favorite Friday Feeds!

polly said...

i am enjoying the road to old age, except for the old age part. the creaks and noises my body is making aren't exactly fun. my spine is falling apart, everything is sagging. but the learning and growing and becoming is something i like. i like looking at women who i think are attractive for different reasons other than the obvious old ones, like being skinny, beautiful skin, perfect hair. i look more at character traits and what makes them - them. there are many more beautiful old women than young women, because it is about how they have lived, rather than how they dress and how they appear.

mama jo said...

i just wish my problems from my youth would go away as i get the problems of old age....i'm just a jumble of stuff that i could do without...

the wrath of khandrea said...

all i can be called is a cougar. now that's flattering. as if i'd even date zack effron. please. i'm married.

the other hard part about being my age is that you see some of these things you mentioned creeping in, but you still have this societal obligation to fight them. frankly, the tweezing alone exhausts me.

the wrath of khandrea said...

also, perhaps a new theme song might cheer you up:

don't you love farce?
my fault, i fear.
i thought no chin hairs would grow.
sorry, my dear.
where are the crones? send in the crones.
don't bother, they're here.

Sheri said...

My six-year-olds at primary have said the following things to me:

1)Your teeth are yellow
2)You're older than my grandma
3)How did you get so fat

Better that six-year-olds are saying it. The rest of the people are just thinking it.