I'm on the downhill slide.Feeling a little frumpy, a little dowdy, a little old, I invited myself on an outing. First stop: the hair salon for a touch of sass. Freshly streaked and tousled, eyebrows arched but not straying, I headed to the make-up counter at Nordstrom for a little pizazz.
"Do you ever wear foundation, Dear?" asked the 22-year-old expert. I told her yes, but because I'd just had my hair cut, I hadn't dolled up yet. I was here to be beautified. She got out her palette and had me sit down. "Let me brush off a few stray hairs," she said. "A couple of these are stubborn," she said, before we both realized they were attached. Beauty is a slippery slope.
"What color eyeshadow do you like?" she asked.
"I've been told to use Blackberry in the crease."
"Hmmm," she said, "your eyes are pretty deep set. Put the eyeshadow right on the lid instead. Otherwise you can't even see it." Pretty deep set? Is this the euphemism for droopy? I could actually feel my eyebrow sliding into my eyeball at that very moment. Needing an uplift, I made tracks toward the escalator.
Right in front of me stood a display of twinsets, similar to what I was wearing. A saleslady side-stepped over and gushed, "You got that sweater here a few years ago didn't you? I remember that teal. Well, as you can see, they're back in style." No joy in this department.
Nordstrom has a white chocolate raspberry bread pudding that follows a bowl of soup perfectly. While I was waiting for it, I made a call to Pete. "Am I still tending PJ tonight? I've been hoping to hear from you." (The bread pudding was placed before me, piled with whipped cream.)
"Mom, I sent you an email suggesting Saturday. You replied at 1:30 this morning, and said that would be fine. Don't you remember?" Actually, I didn't remember at all. Why was I answering email at 1:30 am? Was that after my Ambien? It's so embarrassing to have your kids notice your slip-ups.
Luckily, I was out to lunch, with a good mystery, and bread pudding that was sticky and sweet. I ate a few bites while I caught up with my novel. It really was sticky.
Engrossed in the book, I reached for the white napkin I saw from the corner of my eye. I should have looked closer. Instead of a napkin, I grabbed a handful of satiny whipped cream. "Is there anything else you need, Hon?" asked my 22-year-old waitress. Just a new pair of poles, I thought. I'm on the downhill slide.
"Do you ever wear foundation, Dear?" asked the 22-year-old expert. I told her yes, but because I'd just had my hair cut, I hadn't dolled up yet. I was here to be beautified. She got out her palette and had me sit down. "Let me brush off a few stray hairs," she said. "A couple of these are stubborn," she said, before we both realized they were attached. Beauty is a slippery slope.
"What color eyeshadow do you like?" she asked.
"I've been told to use Blackberry in the crease."
"Hmmm," she said, "your eyes are pretty deep set. Put the eyeshadow right on the lid instead. Otherwise you can't even see it." Pretty deep set? Is this the euphemism for droopy? I could actually feel my eyebrow sliding into my eyeball at that very moment. Needing an uplift, I made tracks toward the escalator.
Right in front of me stood a display of twinsets, similar to what I was wearing. A saleslady side-stepped over and gushed, "You got that sweater here a few years ago didn't you? I remember that teal. Well, as you can see, they're back in style." No joy in this department.
Nordstrom has a white chocolate raspberry bread pudding that follows a bowl of soup perfectly. While I was waiting for it, I made a call to Pete. "Am I still tending PJ tonight? I've been hoping to hear from you." (The bread pudding was placed before me, piled with whipped cream.)
"Mom, I sent you an email suggesting Saturday. You replied at 1:30 this morning, and said that would be fine. Don't you remember?" Actually, I didn't remember at all. Why was I answering email at 1:30 am? Was that after my Ambien? It's so embarrassing to have your kids notice your slip-ups.
Luckily, I was out to lunch, with a good mystery, and bread pudding that was sticky and sweet. I ate a few bites while I caught up with my novel. It really was sticky.
Engrossed in the book, I reached for the white napkin I saw from the corner of my eye. I should have looked closer. Instead of a napkin, I grabbed a handful of satiny whipped cream. "Is there anything else you need, Hon?" asked my 22-year-old waitress. Just a new pair of poles, I thought. I'm on the downhill slide.
"I'm officially getting old, so I don't need drugs anymore.
I can get the same effect just by standing up really fast."
*Homework:
~Write a paragraph that starts: "I prayed nobody had seen me. It was all so embarrassing. I had just . . ."
~Write a paragraph that starts: "I prayed nobody had seen me. It was all so embarrassing. I had just . . ."
I had just fallen! I went face down on a concrete sidewalk as I approached a favorite restaurant. Darn cellphones!!
ReplyDeleteI love this post,Marti. You just wait - it gets worse....LOL
This was hilarious, Oma. We're definitely laughing WITH you, not AT.
ReplyDeleteOne of my most embarrassing moments also happened at Nordstrom, only I was just a teenager. I was dressed up and trying to look older (a crazy thought nowadays). I attempted to walk down the steps, and somehow fell flat like a plank. Fortunately I put my hands out before my face hit the ground and put my knees down to break the fall. Because of that youth factor, I popped back up and kept walking. The amazing part was my knees were skinned, but my tights were unscathed!
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah, baby. Downhill all the way. I'm sliding down fast and will catch up with you soon.
ReplyDeleteWe have this undergrad living in our basement... she's 21. I'm not that much older than she is (being 29) but the other day I was listening to some Bryan Adams and this 21 year old has the pluck to say:
ReplyDelete"That's a great song! You have really good taste."
"Why thank you." I say flattered.
"People think I'm a lot older than I really am because I like old music."
::cringe:: Yes, and I'm starting to see gray too, thanks for reminding me.
MARTY! every line in this was hilarious! it just didn't stop! you should send this in to a magazine... women need to read stuff like this. especially women like me who don't buy new clothes very often, and have strays that need tweezing.
ReplyDeletejeeze. hilarious.
That's the funniest thing you've written yet!!! Yes, it may be true, but the way you put words together. Priceless!!! Thanks!
ReplyDeleteloved that...we all have days like that...of course, hopefully, each one of those events will happen just one day at a time....
ReplyDeletebwahahaha. i loved this. SO GOOD. a great laugh out loud on a weary wednesday.
ReplyDeleteI hate days like those. I'm 21 and I have days like those too. Whether it's about weight, height, etc. It's stressfull. Thanks for sharing. It helps me to know that I'm normal. Haha.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Do you have a good eyebrow waxing place in the Salt Lake area? I've been hunting, but they always do them too thin.
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ReplyDeleteWhy are those the days that stick with us? (I sometimes hate going into stores because I know all the sales associates are saying, hmm, 2005 season--or older, about my clothes)
ReplyDeleteJust remember what a tiny compliment does to lift us. I for one, think you look fabulous.
I'm so glad I stumbled on your blog this morning! I'm sitting here giggling. Oma ... so lovely to savour that word again. I lost my own Oma ten years ago.
ReplyDeletei love the story. it's always good when we can laugh at the crazy things that happen. thanks for sharing this one.
ReplyDeleteYou always make me smile. I loved this, you saucy Oma, you!
ReplyDeleteI just died laughing. I can totally relate to the late-night emails. Only mine don't come with Ambien (I wish I could use that excuse!). :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the smile.
I'm always and ever a klutz!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI hate that Turner Classic Movies plays stuff like "Ghostbusters". What ever happened to "Casablanca"?
ReplyDeleteI love your fun stories. You are the youngest 60 year old I know. I love how you are able to laugh at yourself. And I love that you email on ambien....
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up, Marty. I have days like that all the time. Seems to me like it has nothing to do with age.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! Someone is missing a bet by not starting a retail establishment especially for over-the-hill ladies, where our stray hairs would be discreetly tweezed and our comfy shoes not sneered at and our twin sets would get the respect they deserve!
ReplyDelete