Life is Out to Get Me

I went into Nordstrom today to use the restroom and get a much needed coke. The coke machine was broken, but happily I found two shirts on sale. My total was $38 and I paid with a $100 bill. The salesclerk acted surprised and said she'd have to go find change. She went to another cash register, came back and said she was sorry but she had to go to the customer service office. About ten minutes passed before she came back. "They don't give us any money. Nobody ever pays in cash." No biggie. I'm a patient sort.

Next, I went to the gas station. I tried to use my card at the pump but the machine wouldn't take it. I noticed a sign that said to pay inside. No problem. I could get my coke. The only salesperson was on the phone, and waved for me to wait. It was obviously an important personal call.

A few minutes later she hung up, and said I should be able to use my card. She followed me out, remembered that machine was broken and had me pull up. She ran my card through and asked if I wanted a car wash. I said sure. She punched in the extra $4 fee, and told me the code would be on my receipt.

It took a few tries before I got the former customer's receipt, and then my own came out. I drove around back, realized I was going the wrong way, turned around, and pulled up to the car wash. My receipt was illegible. When I went back inside the lady was on the phone again. She seemed pretty busy, but she took time to tell me another code. It didn't seem to be the right time to try and buy a coke.

After I put in the new code, a little voice told me, "Invalid Code." It happened two more times. When I went inside again, my friend was still on the phone. Rather than bother her, I just drove off, and lost my car wash. Oh well. It will probably rain soon.

I went to Target to return a $24.28 purchase. I asked the guy if he needed my credit card. He said no, I had paid in cash. After some paperwork, he said, "Shall I put it on your card?" I said I'd just take the cash. He said, "The thing is, I don't have that much cash." So then he went in search of it. Another guy took his place and helped four customers before my guy came back with my cash. He had forgotten the change. "I'd have to open the register again if I give you back your change." I decided it was probably not worth his trouble.

Starving now, and a little shaky with frustration, I decided to drive through Carl's Jr. While I sat at the order voice box, I realized two cars were ahead of me, and two cars were behind me. I was trapped and apparently nobody was home. I could see inside, and there were no diners.

Eventually somebody asked to take my order. "A Star Burger, no onion, and a small coke." "Do you want a combo?" "No," I replied. "Same price," he insisted. "No thanks," I said. "Do you want a medium coke?" "No, just a small." "A combo is actually cheaper," he said. "OK," I said. "Whatever." "I'll be right back with your total."

He never returned. After a long while, the cars ahead of me moved up. When I finally got to the window, he handed me a medium drink. "I asked for a small." "Same price," he said. "But it doesn't fit in my drink holder. That's why I get a small." He came back with a new drink.

"It's taking extra time because you requested no onions," he announced accusingly. Then he asked, "Have you paid?" "Who was I supposed to pay?" I said. "Me." (He's a few fries short of a Happy Meal, I thought.) My total was $4. 58. I gave him a fiver. "Do you need your change?" he asked? "YES!" I said.

With the change, he gave me my food. I pulled up into the parking lot to devour my burger. It turned out to be chicken strips! Oh well, I was starving, and chicken strips would do. Plus, I could eat them while I drove. They were cold and needed salt. Luckily, I had gotten a combo meal and the fries would taste good with my coke. As I pulled out onto the road, I stuck in my straw and took a big sip. It was limeade.