Worth the Risk

Heroes, 1984

I remember my active mothering days, when getting up in the morning was a risk. There was the day Micah set the field across the street on fire and I watched my neighbor doing a Hopi-Indian type dance trying to put it out. Another time Peter gathered up all the used firecrackers in the gutter after the 4th of July and sold them to his friend for $3 of his brother's savings. The $3 turned out to be three $20 bills, and I had to defend my 4-year-old thief to the lawyer father.

One day Josh decided to cover the shower drain and fill up the bathroom to make a swimming pool, which I didn't discover until water was leaking under the door. And who can forget the razor incident when Heidi shaved off her little brother's eyebrow? Or the day Amy backed up the truck and hit Dee as he was pulling in the driveway, wrecking 2 cars at once? There were times of heartbreak, like the day Gabi was asked to give up the lead in the Road Show because there was a bratty girl demanding the part and the director was a wimp. And the day 11-year-old Marta sobbed, "Nobody respects my opinion!" (Everybody does now.)

I remember that I felt like a revolving door. I was spinning 'round and 'round, while everyone ran in and out to live their lives. I sometimes wondered if I had a life of my own, or even if I was a person anymore. I gave myself so completely it didn't feel like I had any of me left. It was overwhelming in every way.

Now that I'm an inactive mother I realize the truth of the scripture in Matthew that says "He that loseth his life shall find it."
While I was focusing on my kids I actually became myself. They were really teaching me. I look back at the experience and understanding I gained, and know I could not have designed an education or career that would have provided me such intense personal growth. It almost seems selfish now, considering how I benefitted.

As I observe the active mothers around me I am in awe of them. I can't believe I did it. But I rejoice every day that I did.